Here's to the Unruined Life

A not-so-brief walk down Memory Lane

Do you remember where you were, on this day, last year?

I do.

I was in a hospital room, sitting across from a doctor. "Congratulations, you're pregnant," he said. And my mouth fell open. I half-thought he was pulling my leg, but why would he do that? He was a professional, and a complete stranger.

I was in shock. Make no mistake, this was no Jane the Virgin plot. I had been intimate with a man the previous month—to my shame—but it wasn't the kind that typically resulted in a pregnancy. The conception was against the odds, as most unplanned pregnancies are.

I asked for an ultrasound because it still felt unreal. Not unlike Thomas wanting proof that Jesus had truly risen. When I saw the embryo shaped like a tiny bean, there was no modicum of doubt left in my mind.

I was pregnant. Wow.

As I stepped out of the hospital, my baby's father beside me, I broke down in hysterics. I kept shouting, "I'm finished. My life is ruined."

It felt like a cruel joke, even though I had always had a sense of foreboding that this fate would someday befall me. After all, I was a pastor’s daughter, and everyone knows pastors’ daughters are cursed with out-of-wedlock pregnancies. And I had it coming, I thought. I had struggled with sexual sin for too long, I had grown passive and resigned.

I felt deep shame. Only a few months before, my academic achievements made me the object of praise and honour. And now, my moral failure would subject me to public shame and contempt.

The myriad implications of my pregnancy were displayed on my mind like words on a screen, as I walked down the street. And I kept scrolling down the list in panic. My parents, my dear parents, this would cast a stain on their spiritual legacy. God, what if my mum had a heart attack on hearing the news? What if my dad cut off ties with me? My career would be delayed. I would lose opportunities, relinquish my freedom. I would probably be compelled to get married quickly. And if I was not, no man would want to marry me. People who admired or looked up to me would be disappointed. My reputation as a Christian would be soiled. I would be responsible for another life when I had barely figured mine out. The list went on and on.

No, I thought, this was too much. I couldn't go through this—the pain, the shame, the stigma. I had to spare myself.

Over the next few hours, a tug of war ensued in my mind. I considered abortion, and in the same breath, rejected it. For every reason I gave myself to terminate the pregnancy, a Bible verse would well up in my mind to convince me otherwise. "He who covers his sin will not prosper but whoever confesses and forsakes them will find mercy". And the Holy Spirit reminded me that a few weeks back, I had taught Sunday School from Psalm 139:13-16, telling my students that none of them was an accident. And I must believe the same of my baby. Yet, I struggled. I even made a pro-con list—to keep or not to keep, as if a child was the same as deciding what university to attend. In all of this, I kept crying. I got home and cried myself to sleep.

And as I woke up by midnight—that beautiful period when the world is quiet—my heart was calmer, and my head clearer. I was sure of two things:
1) that God was not punishing me for my struggles with sexual sin, and that I was responsible for what happened to me. That my sin had been forgiven, and I was merely dealing with the consequence of an already forgiven sin.
2) that the life forming within me, though unplanned by me, was planned by God. That He was the author of life and I had no right to take it.

Of course, I was going to have this baby.

For some reason, I thought about Pastor John Piper. Anyone who is close to me knows I love and respect Pastor John. I had read several of his sermons and articles against abortion, and I wanted to hear his counsel on how to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. So I ran a Google search and came across an "Ask Pastor John" episode where he counselled a Christian man who had impregnated his girlfriend. He said "...don’t despair because you don’t know what the future holds. God calls you to faithful, obedient decisions right now. He does not assume that you can foresee all the consequences of those choices. That’s his great work. He works everything together for good for those who love God (Romans 8:28), even though we can’t imagine how that could be."

That fortified my conviction. Even though I could not see any good coming out of my pregnancy, I put my faith in Jesus. I repented of my sin and trusted in His mercy. I told myself that I would do the right thing even though it could cost me everything. That I would walk through the fire and Jesus would be with me.

In faith, I took every con that I had written down, every terrifying consequence I envisaged, every fearful thought in my mind, and cast them on Him in prayer. I told Him to take control and make it all work out for good.

In the days that ensued, I witnessed God’s answers to my prayers. My parents accepted and supported me. I was not shoved into marriage as damage control. Although I could not work for months, my needs were always met and I never lacked. I had a steady support system of family and friends. I had an easier pregnancy than many.

Throughout the course of my pregnancy, I still struggled with fear and anxiety. I still drowned in shame and self-pity. There were nights I tried to imagine my future and it looked bleak. Mornings when I woke up dazed and would burst into tears, wondering if I was dreaming. But I would always return to God's Word and His promises. The Holy Spirit was always there to strengthen and comfort me. The love of Jesus always surrounded me and held me close.

Today, a year later, God has proven my outburst outside the hospital false. My life is unruined. I walked through the fire—in some way, I still am—and I am unruined. From the rubbles of broken dreams and overturned plans rises an edifice. It's a work in progress but it's looking beautiful so far. Every day, I burst with thankfulness and joy. And the darkness that was once in my mind’s eye, whenever I thought of the future, is gradually giving way to light.

Everything has changed. I am the mother of a four-month-old, and my career trajectory seems to be changing. I am working from home and my daily routine is unlike anything I ever imagined. I still feel the shock of having my life roughly veer off to another track. My life is different but unruined. This path is new but not inferior to what could have been. Because Jesus is still walking with me. And that’s all that matters.

Dear Believer, we may mess up on different levels, but God’s love and mercy abound, all we need to do is receive it. Our flaws and bad decisions can never ruin us when we trust in Jesus. Because He is good, and always works ALL THINGS for our good.

And when we are faced with tough decisions, whether to commit sin and save our skin or to please God and surrender to hardship and discomfort, I pray we choose to do the right thing.

Because, as Pastor John said,

Doing the right thing never ruins your life. Never. Doing the will of God by trusting the grace of God never ruins your life.

Dearest, welcome to the unruined life.